Tell Us About….Friends & Friendship
This month’s prompt is about friends & friendship (thanks for a good’un, Penny). I’ve often thought about how, in general, women are much better at making and keeping friends than men are. One of the things that attracted me to my husband when we first met was that he had 3 close friends, who all lived in other parts of the country. One had been his bestie since childhood, and the other 2 for many decades, and one was a woman who was like a sister. He talked to each of them on the phone frequently. The effort and emotional intelligence it takes to maintain such relationships really impressed me, and showed me the kind of person he was (awesome), and that he was worth pursuing.
I’ve written about the remarkable friendship I have with my bestie, and how we met on the beach during a vacation with our families when we were 7. Since this blog post, we have continued our annual rendezvous weekend, and went on a schooner cruise with our husbands. We’re planning to retire on the same day (18 months, then look OUT!), and are planning an international trip to celebrate.
I’ve also been blessed with 2 women I’ve known since high school, my college roomies I wrote about here. We still meet monthly for our annual events like our sleepover (last month), camping trip (fall), beach trip (April), concert (next week), Christmas Crafternoon, and dinners on the months we don’t have anything else on.
I’m also lucky to have some friendships that go back many decades, with people I worked with or was stationed together with in the military. Those are the wonderful folks you can “pick right back up where you left off with”, by phone, video chat or a visit every few years. Y’all know who you are, and several of you are reading this right now!
Some folks only hang on by the tenuous thread of Facebook, and I wish them Happy Birthday once a year… It would be impossible to keep the same degree of intimacy with all the friends we make over a lifetime, and we all understand that. But I have two examples of people I thought I’d be friends with forever – and weren’t.
My best friend in high school was an artist. We rode to and from school every day, and stopped off at her house for tea and bran muffins with her mom, who would hear about our days and occasionally offer gentle, sage advice. We shared a love of the Beatles, Volkswagon convertibles and everything British. We went to France together on a school trip, stayed close through college and she visited both times I lived abroad.
The trouble didn’t start until I moved back to Kentucky 20 years later. I thought we’d pick right back up, and at first we did, with a few running dates. Then, all my attempts to connect were turned down, or cancelled. Calls weren’t returned, and she was cool and distant when we did run into each other around town. The “me” of today would’ve sat her down and demanded an explanation, but the “me” of yesterday was just hurt and miffed, and could only speculate. I think it had to do with her husband, who’d never been around us before, and did not take to me, and politics – things cooled noticebly when she found out we’d voted differently in the previous election, although we never discussed politics. After her mother died, she moved to the other side of the country. I doubt we’ll ever speak to each other again.
The other lost friendship was DEFINATELY about politics. She and I worked together in Germany in the 80’s, and had stayed close friends after we both came back to the US, eventually both settling in Virginia. She had started listening to talk radio (what I call “hate radio”), and said she thought the host was ridiculous but funny. But the drip-drip-drip did its damage, and a few years later, she was involved with the far-right. I never discussed politics and tried to keep conversations about our families and hobbies we both enjoyed. She sent me a blistering email before the 2016 election, and I severed all ties. Sadly, I think both of these are examples of how polarized our society is at the moment. I am proud to have friends with different political views from mine, and do my best to respect theirs.
On a positive note, I have been lucky to make new friends, which I think gets rarer the older one gets. Four years ago, I was asked by a friend from work to join a women’s investment club she was starting. Little did we know the pandemic was bearing down upon us, and we met most of the next year via Zoom (Zoom was one of our first purchases, by the way, and we sold it just before the price came back down!). They are an awesome group of professional women, and we enjoy our monthly meetings and annual retreat days.
I truly believe that relationships, especially for women, are every bit as important to overall health and well-being as diet and exercise. If you haven’t been as fortunate as I have with friends, it’s not too late – there are lots of great ideas below…
See what the other bloggers had to say on this oh-so-important topic:
- Gail from Is this Mutton (UK) It’s not always easy making friends in later life. Gail from Is This Mutton has some ideas on how to find your next BFF.
- Jill from Grownup Glamour (Aus) has explored the changing nature of friendships throughout our lives and the importance of friends as we age.
- Marsha from Marsha in the Middle (USA) wrote about her golden friends in a post in 2022. She has used parts of that post to talk about the definition of friends and friendship.
- Debbie (Aus) is sharing a story from a few years ago, all about friendship and making lifelong friends in the world of blogging. www.debs-world.com
- Penny from Frugal Fashion Shopper (UK) – looks back at friends she had during her childhood and reflects on how friendships change over the years. She notes how important her current friends are and how we all communicate now as opposed to the past.
- Sue from Women living Well After 50 (Aus) says friendship has no age barrier. For the Friends/Friendship prompt Sue discusses ‘Why Age-Gap Friendships’ are a vital part of Ageing Well Why Age-Gap Friendships are a vital part of Ageing Well – Women Living Well After 50
- Suzy from The Grey Brunette (Portugal) – shares stories of friendships over her 48 years, from childhood buddies like Emma to global connections, each one leaving a unique mark on her life.
14 Comments
Marsha Banks
I think it’s amazing your husband has three close friends and has had them for ages. My husband has always been self-sufficient, content with me as his only friend (which is quite tiring). When we moved to our new home last year, he discovered a bestie! Now, he finally gets what I’ve been trying to explain for years.
As for your friend who ghosted you when you returned to KY, I had a similar situation when I was teaching. For several school years, I’d had this friend I considered to be quite close. Then, over the course of a summer, something changed, and we were no longer friends. She wouldn’t talk about it. It was like she just dropped me. I never did find out what caused her change of heart, and, basically, I figured it was her loss not mine.
Oh, politics…I am guilty of judging others by their politics so I don’t ask anymore! But, actions usually give it away! So, I rather think you and I would make for fabulous friends (I don’t use the word great if I can get away with it)! I will have to let you know the next time I’m in Versailles.
Wonderful post, MK!
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
mkmiller
I think so too, Marsha! The category I did NOT write about was the wonderful friends I’ve made online over the years, that I would love to meet in person some day. Yes, let me know when you’re going to be in town and we can have an InstaMeet!
Debbie Harris
This is a fabulous read MK and sums up the spirit of friendship really well. It’s hard when we thought our friends would be forever and then something happens for us to fall out, it’s even harder when we don’t understand what went wrong! I think politics and certain other events make it difficult at times, especially these days. It was another great prompt to help us get to know each other better!
mkmiller
Thanks, Debbie! I hope to get through everyone else’s take on this by week’s end.
Connie Wright Stanley
M.K.
Loved this post. So true. There are lots of connections and people in your circle. You are blessed to have a few that you get them and they get you. The test for me is the ability to have not talked for perhaps a very long time but when you do it was like you picked up from just an hour ago. I count you my friend as one of those treasured friends. I have always envied your relationship with your college roommates. Rare and special. Your huband is the best and him have long time friends doesn’t surprise me. Mine until we moved here had none. He has made some good buddies here. Being with the girls on an outing or trip is so fun. Something I rarely did before moving here. Friends are proven to not only be fun but good for you health. Having meaningful friend relationships is one of the common markers to having a longer life.
mkmiller
Yes, you knew I was talking about YOU in that post, Connie! So glad Mike has man-pals now. It’s a relief when we don’t have to provide ALL the social input for our spouses…I think relationships are as important as clean eating and exercise to our overall health.
Penny
What a great read and oh wow, how I get several points you made like the friends you don’t see for sometime but when you meet it’s as though it’s yesterday. That I think is often because you’ve trained together or worked together and you just get each other because of the experiences you both went through. And then oh yes, the friend who was so close years ago who believes in very different things and principles to you. Has happened to me fairly recently – totally get it. And it was about politics, American politics, as my friend from years ago married a US citizen and I leave you to guess who she votes for!
Anyway, it is so interesting to read everyone’s thoughts on friendships – friends are so important. Loved the photos you put up 🙂
mkmiller
Thanks, Penny! I’m sorry the poison of US politics has leaked even into your friendship across the pond, but there we are.
jodie filogomo
It’s truly sad when people let politics disrupt a friendship. Because we all know how crooked politics is. Besides it’s beneficial to be around people who think differently than us. The key is being able to discuss differences in an adult way (which many people haven’t mastered). Not that it’s easy, but it’s the way to learn.
That’s why I loved that book and the Braver Angels community.
My high school bestie sent me a pillow once that said, “Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life” and I believe it.
XOOX
Jodie
mkmiller
I’m so glad you read that book and are connected to Braver Angels – it’s really made a difference for me trying to get out of the echo chambers that we all create. I hope to get more involved in their activities once I retire (tick tick tick…)
Jill James
I did enjoy your friendship post , another interesting topic and a way to know each other more. Long time friends , even though we don’t see them regularly add so much to our lives and are to be treasured.
mkmiller
Thanks, Jill – I love this group for connecting with women on the other side of the world! Internet friends that we may never meet IRL are a category I forgot to write about, but that I really treasure now.
Suzy Turner
I love that you also touched upon the friendships that fell apart, MK. I didn ‘t even think to mention those! So wonderful that you have some real true friends, and from such an early age too!
Big hugs
Suzy xx
mkmiller
Thanks, Suzy – I guess we all have at least a few of those, right?